Ethical Non-Monogamy

Ethical Non-Monogamy: A Balance Between Freedom and Compassion for Others Many folk now call swinging, polyamory, and open marriages consensual non-monogamy. I believe that there is a consensus that consensual non-monogamy means we practice non-monogamy with permission or that we share that we do not practice or intend on practicing a monogamous lifestyle. However, what does it mean to practice ethical non-monogamy? Being ethical implies living by a code of conduct. Having ethics implies that we care for and think of others. As a consequence, ethical no-monogamy means that we practice non-monogamy with a code of conduct and that we practice non-monogamy with others in mind. For me, practicing ethical non-monogamy; whether you are single, part of a couple, or part of a polyamorous group; means we practice consensual non-monogamy; we live honestly, and we create, reflect on, and communicate a personal code of conduct. As I coach people who wish to live non-monogamous lives, I make it a point to discuss what living an ethical non-monogamous life. Ethical non-monogamy is consensual. No cheaters allowed. I have been cheated on, and I have cheated in my life. I coached clients who have cheated and been cheated on. There is nothing ethical about cheating in my opinion, nothing. Being justified is not being ethical. Many people feel justified in cheating because they have been cheated on, lied to, abused, hurt, or mislead. On the other hand, being ethical means not hurting others because we have been hurt. Being ethical means that we understand that we can cheat physically or mentally: there are many ways to cheat on the ones we love. Being ethical is not easy. Be ethical is comparable to striving to an ultimate standard: being like Jesus, living like Buddha, and aiming for perfection. Living an ethical non-monogamous life means being courageous. Do you have the courage to tell your girlfriend or boyfriend that you have met a new lover or that you go to swing clubs? Can you tell your life partner that you are bisexual, that you are attracted to someone else, or that you are falling in love with someone that you are already seeing? You could just act without sharing your truth, but without sharing, you have cheated your lover(s) out of the opportunity to support you and accept you as you are. I am not trying to sell you some fantasy: your lover will not always support you or accept you in the manner that you want. Ethical non-monogamy does not exist in a bubble of acceptance and perfection. It is a like all human endeavors. Non-monogamy is riddled with contradictions. However, I have coached clients who practice ethical non-monogamy, and they are courageous, loving, open folk. They communicate compassionately and fearlessly, from the outside looking in. By not stretch of the imagination are they perfect people. There are no such people, but they understand what consensual non-monogamy is; moreover, they continue to strive to be ethical. Consensual implies agreement. Ethical non-monogamy is consensual because there is agreement between lovers and among polyamorous groups. The types of agreements vary, but there is agreement. For people to agree, they must communicate. Ask yourself the following: • With whom do you have agreement? • Do you communicate your truth? • Do demand of yourself what you demand of your lover(s)? • Are you living up to your agreements even when you are alone? • Are you suggesting consensual non-monogamy while you already have a lover waiting in the wings? • Are you helping someone cheat? Remember that one of the characteristics of ethical non-monogamy is that it is consensual. I was talking to a potential client of mine, and she wanted to transition to an open marriage from a monogamous lifestyle. I found one of the things she shared with me in our initial conversation very interesting: “I want to work with you, so I can check myself. I am gonna want to lie.” In my coaching conversations, I do not use the world “why” in my coaching sessions for many reasons, but I wanted to ask “why” just for my personal curiosity. I wanted to have a theoretical, philosophical conversation about ethical non-monogamy and lying. I wanted to ask for her vulnerability and to be vulnerable myself; however, I did not feel this was the place or the time for such discussions. My job as her potential sex coach was to focus on her needs and goals, not mine. The conversation did spark my thoughts though. When I was alone, I reflected on own past and my process into an ethical non-monogamous life with my ex. I lied in the process at one point, and I felt there were trust issues on both our parts. As I look back, I realize that we had no foundation on which to be totally honest. I do not mean to say that monogamy promotes lying. I am not saying that at all. However, I am saying that being monogamous does not provide us with vocabulary or methods to share our attraction for others with the ones we now love. I think in many ways, we are taught not to share and be totally honest about our sexual and emotional attractions to others. Little “white lies” are good lies. We tell them not to hurt others’ feelings. What is more ethical? Is it more ethical to lie about our true feelings and desires, regardless of how we make others feel, or is it better to tell little lies because we feel that our loved ones need our protection? When we lie to protect them, are we negating our loved ones the opportunity to learn more about our true selves, not our projected selves or the selves we want everybody to accept, whether if they are true or not? I think being ethical means being vulnerable. It means exposing our truer selves even if it means losing people we love. This is a level of vulnerability to which I aspire. This level or vulnerability means being honest with ourselves. I guess we have to trust the universe or have faith in the process of life that losing something or someone in one place of our lives means gaining in another aspect of life. Having such faith and trust is a lofty goal, particularly when the times life has beat us down are still vivid images and emotions in our minds, bodies, and heart…. Hence being honest in ethical non-monogamy might be a true sign of healing of self and of having compassion for others. In my opinion, ethics comes as a result of having a healed mind, body, and heart as well as a result of having compassion for beings outside of ourselves. The healing and compassion also leads us to create a personal code of ethics too. When we are healed and compassionate, we create codes such as: • I will not enter into non-monogamous relationships or experiences with someone whom I know is cheating; • I will measure my actions by how I would like others to treat me; • I will openly discuss my new desires and emotions as they become clear to me; • I will be vulnerable; • I will not enter into a consensual non-monogamous relationships or experiences for just the sole purpose of pleasing someone else or myself; • I will be honest with myself and others about my limits; • I will respect others’ limits. The statements above may be a part of your personal code of conduct, or the above statements might not be valuable in directing your behavior in any way. Conversely, I most certainly believe that a personal code of conduct symbolizes compassion for others and self-love, not only in ethical non-monogamy, but also in most human endeavors. In addition, a code of ethics gives you a platform from which to explore, reflect, and communicate. Our codes of conduct are what make non-monogamy ethical. I work with clients to create and maintain their codes of conduct. Moreover, I help clients reflect on their codes of conduct, so their codes remain flexible as needs and desires change. For instance, a single man’s code conduct should differ from the code he has as he enters into a long-term relationship. The two codes reflect different levels of attachment, responsibility to others, and more than likely, erotic goals. Someone new to consensual non-monogamy should have a different code of conduct than someone who has lived a consensual non-monogamous life for years. Our personal codes of conduct are not places from which we blame, judge, and criticize because while we are all human, our unique body chemistry, emotion, attachments and aversions, and minds make each one of us special. Thus our learning styles, ambitions, sense of right and wrong, worries, and ethics will vary from every other person we know. Communication is essential for us to agree on codes of conduct that will govern more than one person; moreover, you might have to agree on the definitions of terms like love, friendship, cheating, consensual because as you navigate ethical non-monogamy, you will find that even the specific meanings to terms will vary. A client of mine and his boyfriend, both bisexual men, would argue about the term girlfriend. My client Terry felt like the behavior of his partner with a young lady meant that his partner now had a “girlfriend”. Terry’s partner disagreed. They argued constantly about what this young lady should be called. The term was important to them because words like girlfriend reflect the status or level of importance this young lady may hold. However, the term girlfriend reflected different things for Terry and his partner as individuals, so they never could talk about this young lady’s importance. Terry and his partner were speaking different languages simply because they are different people. The frustration levels from not having common terminology hampered their communication and non-monogamous experiences. From my coaching and reflecting on my personal experiences, I have come to realize that ethical non-monogamy includes communicating our codes of conduct, so we can forge common language with our loved ones and lovers. I have used the term consensual non-monogamy for a long time and in much of my research; however, I think I am done with the term. From here on out, when I talk about the ups and downs within non-monogamy, I will be using the term ethical non-monogamy, for the term ethical non-monogamy (I hope) best communicates the balance between persona freedoms and the compassion we hold for other humans I help my client obtain and maintain. Sharing our bodies has the ability to change our lovers and fuck buddies in negative and positives ways for the rest of their lives. I do not take sharing my body lightly. I hope you do not. I suppose you can share your body like an individual who controls a remote controlled bomber, dropping bombs but never seeing the effects they have on people. I want my clients to share their bodies and risk being vulnerable, so they can witness first-hand the power they hold when they share their bodies, witness the joy and pain we can bring with us into the bed, witness the aftermath of our presence. Being one who lives an ethical non-monogamous life means being a witness and being responsible, while fighting to be free. Your Servant, Dr. Nwachi Tafari 336.662.7777 dr.tsexcoah@gmail.com