NON- MONOGAMOUS

I coach individuals who live consensual non-monogamous lives. I research consensual non-monogamy, and I have lived a consensual non-monogamous life. I have to say my personal experience, my research, and my coaching folk in consensual non-monogamous lifestyles has taught me more about myself, people, and human relationships than most things in life. Therefore, when I was asked what would I “look for” or “want” in a non-monogamous life, my mind touched on many things. However, I think I would want respect, clarity, and flexibility. I want these qualities in those I meet and in myself. Otis Redding and Aretha Franklin sang soulfully about respect. I hope can match their emotions. Before you enter into any relationship, but particularly swinging, polyamory, and open, I implore you to make sure that you have reached a level of self-respect and self-love that cannot be circumvented, diminished, or destroyed. You want your self-respect and self-love to be so obvious that it surrounds you like a warm hug or the light of day. Folk should see you coming. I say this because consensual non-monogamy can talk to demons way down inside of you if you let it. Imagine seeing your woman cum really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, hard with someone else, Imagine seeing your man cumming, laying in his own sweat, mumbling, “Damn” as he just finished having sex with someone else. Imagine being home watching the kids as your lover is out with someone else. Imagine your lover falling in love or deep like with someone other than you. If you haven’t been challenged by non-monogamy, you probably aren’t living a consensual non-monogamous life or haven’t lived it very long. I want to meet folk that have the self-love and self-respect (as well as the respect for me) to be honest about pitfalls and mistakes and learning opportunities in consensual non-monogamy unless this is a wham, bam, thank you ma’am sort of situation. If that is the case, just moaning is all I need. However, most people I have meet in the lifestyle are looking to at least meet friends with whom they can have repeated fun in and outside of the bedroom. If this is true for you, then self-respect and love is a must. Consensual non-monogamy is not a lifestyle you do for someone else. You have to want to live it for you, because it benefits you in some way, even if the benefit is watching your lover get rocked like the Flintstones. Only through the lens of self-love and respect will you be able to admit your wants to yourself and your lover(s). If you are moving from a life of monogamy, you may have to forgive yourself for your desires and doing acts of which you only dreamed. To forgive self, you must love and respect self. In addition, the individuals I would take on as lovers would have to show me respect and respect the relationships I already hold. Do not let anyone come into your life as a disruptive force, maybe a change agent, but not a disruptive force. If you are single, your new lover(s) must understand you had a life before them, and if you are in a relationship, your new lover(s) should understand you have relationships that you wish to maintain and cultivate. I am always amazed by individuals who maintain lovers that dislike and try to disrespect each other: a house divided cannot not stand. When I first entered the lifestyle, I was part of a couple. My ex-girlfriend and I had to agree on the people who came into our lives. Do not get me wrong, we did not always find it easy to agree, but we never keep a lover in our lives that disrupted our relationship. When we ended, consensual non-monogamy was not the issue. If she did bring in a lover that did not bring respect to the table, I respect myself enough to step away from the table. I love the saying “Go into the situation with your eyes wide open.” I particularly like the saying for people who live consensual non-monogamous lives. I advise you to look for and have clear vision in this lifestyle. You want to meet people who know what they want and what they are willing to give. Are they looking for love, once-a-month fucking, when-they-are-in-town-boning? Know what your lover(s) wants and knowing what you want for yourself is important for planning for the future and acting in the present moment. Trust me; I understand that you and your lover(s) may not know exactly what you want at every given moment in your relationship. Emotions and thoughts can be conflicting. When clarity becomes a problem, it is time for reflection in my estimation. Take a break; slow down. Stop sexual activity for a moment because we all know that mind-blowing sex can confuse a whole lot. I’m just saying: it’s hard to think clearly when his dick has reached places you did not know you had or when her lips and tongue make you crawl up into the fetal position when she is done. That good ish may have to stop for just a moment to regain clarity. You want clarity, so you know when rules need to change or your feelings change. Personally, I have been in at least one consensually non-monogamous situation in which I was in love with a now ex-girlfriend and started to care very deeply for a young lady we were both seeing. I did not have the clarity or the guts to share my developing feelings with my girlfriend. I guess I was scared in part, because I needed my girlfriend to listen to or empathize with my feelings, not negate my feelings as I thought she would. Well, that is what I told myself anyway. I wanted understanding, and I was afraid I was going to get anger. That does not matter. In consensual non-monogamy clarity and honesty are very important because they both can reinforce and destroy trust. I worked with a client, a pretty young swinger, whose lover (I’ll call him Fred) seemed to never know what he wanted in non-monogamy, and when he did claim to know and set guidelines, Fred often broke rules and pushed boundaries. My client no longer trusted his word or believed in the rules that they set because she felt like she was the only one who had to adhere to the rules. My actions hurt my non-monogamous relationship, and my Fred’s actions also damaged his relationship. I used men as examples, but be clear, women are just as susceptible to lack of clarity and to getting caught up in the moment. A friend of mine in the lifestyle made the rule with his wife that they would keep anal sex between them, and during a night out swinging, he observed his wife having anal with another man (no not me). That was a stinking situation and a pain in the ass for them both (I couldn’t help that.). Seriously, my friend’s feelings were extremely hurt. Thus, I want clarity if and when I am living a consensual non-monogamous life. I would want flexibility in consensual non-monogamous life. I say this because life in itself is always full of change, and consensual non-monogamy is a lifestyle of change for many reasons. Relationships seem to be much more fluid. People drop in and out of non-monogamy. Individuals who support us disappear. Lovers move on to new experiences and obligations. I think I like consensual non-monogamy because of its fluid state for two reason. One, I think consensual non-monogamy reflects present life more accurately than does other erotic lifestyles. The romantic notions of monogamy do not reflect the ups and downs of life. When things go wrong and we’re not happy in monogamy, we often think “things” are bad and are not like they are “suppose to be.” That happily ever after ish got a lot of us feeling unhappy when in reality, we are in some great relationships. Present consensual non-monogamy has no romantic themes to under-gird its mythology. Most people I know, particularly those who have experienced consensual non-monogamy, know it requires work and know that the relationships we form are fluid and subject to change all the time. That’s life. Life is fluid and subject to change. Here today and gone tomorrow. For me consensual non-monogamy opened my eyes to the fluid nature of life, and the lessons I have learned through experience and coaching are life lessons, which brings me to my second point. Consensual non-monogamy has taught me much about myself and the people I love. In the song Poetic Justice, Kendrick Lamar wrote and rapped the following: Love is not just a verb, it’s you looking in the mirror Love is not just a verb, it’s you looking for it, maybe Living a consensual non-monogamous life is not just an act, it’s you looking in the mirror: living a consensual non-monogamous leads you to soul searching. It can clear vision. I know that I and many of my clients no longer take all the blame or all the credit for the bad and the good that occurs in our relationships. There are no angels walking the earth. No race, gender, sexual orientation hold the keys to the Kingdom. In other words, consensual non-monogamy will highlight the best and worst of you and your lover(s) if you’re watching. Of course there is sexism, racism, and homophobia in every collection of humans on the planet; a consensual non-monogamous life is no exception. We are fearful creatures concerning what we do not understand personally. With that being said, I find those individuals who embrace consensual non-monogamy, particularly the ones who acknowledge that both men and women can a have a wide variety of sexual wants and needs, more accepting. For me consensual non-monogamy has taught me more than anything to look at human beings as human beings. I try harder now to see individuals than I have ever tried. I, like many of us, I found it easy to judge an individual’s needs and thoughts by what groups he or she belonged to. What would I want or look for in consensual non-monogamy? I want respect, clarity, and flexibility from myself and from the relationships I form. Dr. Nwachi Tafari